She had good days. She had bad days. She had days where she was up, doing laundry and cooking. And she had days where she could hardly get out of bed. She had days where she hallucinated. But she had good days.
My mom called a family meeting. To be honest, we had never had a full on family meeting like this. We were all there, to talk about the situation and what the future held.
We talked about timelines (in which there wasn't a definite one). We talked about Hospice. We talked about home-care. We talked about how happy she was. We talked about how to make her comfortable. We talked about how to prepare (the answer: you can't prepare for this).
My brother Connor and his fiance had already picked a wedding date of September 2nd, 2018 (they had been engaged since summer) but as we were talking, Lauren (my brother's fiance) and Connor whispered to each other and then looked up at us all and said "We want Grandma to be at our wedding, so we'd like to do a small one soon." I'm going to be honest with you, I rolled my eyes (on the inside) and almost laughed out loud. I thought How dramatic. How annoying. She's going to be with us for the next few years, this is ridiculous. *I realize how insensitive I sound writing this, which is precisely why I didn't say anything out loud. I'm being open and honest with you, and these were simply my feelings.*
But I smiled and said "We'll make it happen!" And Jordan and I got to work on designing a small and intimate ceremony and dinner, that honored Lo and Connor, but also my grandmother. We picked a date only two weeks out and I think I still sat there, in shock a bit, thinking my grandma was going to be around for a whole lot longer--and how beautiful (but unnecessary) this would be.
The days proceeded and I recall a conversation with my sister where I said "Do you think Grandma is going to be okay? I have this feeling that she could be. She's so strong; she's always been strong." And my sister looked at me, with eyes full of certainty, disbelief, and tears and said "Sis, she's not going to. You heard her diagnosis. She has cancer in too many parts of her body, they can't even find the origin of the cancer, and it's stage four cancer. Sis, she's not going to make it."
I cried. And cried. And cried. She cried. We both cried. I consider myself a dreamer for sure, but I'm not dumb. And since I don't believe in God, I wasn't waiting on a prayer to be answered from Him and her to be cured. But still, something inside of me thought She's gonna pull through! It was irrational and illogical, and I knew that as it came out, but I was still hoping.
That hope probably carried me further than you would think.